It's a
Bastard Life
Ah, Christmas, my favorite time of the year. Kris Kringle will soon be on his way to spread joy and gifts to children, big and small. And, when the tykes wake up on Christmas morn, new presents will be spread about the tree and the little eyes of the children will become large with excitement and greed.
And then, upon the awakening of the exhausted parents, the children will set to opening up the presents and destroying the hard work of those who wrapped the presents. Yes, some pimply faced high school reject will have his minimum wage work shredded before the loving eyes of parents. And soon, the living room will be awash with scraps of paper that formerly held gifts. And, who will clean the mess up? Yes, Mom will get to enjoy that chore.
Meanwhile, Dad, in the truest form of the Christmas spirit, will get ripped off in the gift department. Yes, while everyone got cool, thoughtful and fun gifts, Dad got another tie or mug from the kids. From the crazy aunt, who no one talks to, he got a dog grooming kit (he doesn't have a dog). From Mom, well, Mom got him the best gift of all. Mom had a star named after him. "Thanks, Mom", he said, as she gave him the piece of paper with his star on it, while wearing the diamond pendant that he gave her.
Soon after Mom cleans up the living room mess, the kids will tire of their toys and wonder where the rest of them are. After they realize that there are no toys one of them will make a paper airplane out of Dads star registration papers. Of course, when Mom finds out about the aerial qualities of the star she will have a fit. Then, Dad, while hollering at his stupid kids, will promise to have the paper framed so it can be hung on the wall for all to see.
Later, after dinner is served, Mom will inform everyone that she was disappointed that no one offered to help her with dinner. Of course, she neglects to note that no one likes her special version of cranberries and yams. Too, she will fail to note that her turkey, just like every other year, is dry and tasteless and that everyone at the table has to be forced, manually, to consume the dreaded bird.
Later that night, the poor put upon children will have to do the dishes. Of course, there are more dishes than normal and Mom has a fit every time one of them breaks a dish. Eventually, in an attempt to avoid the next world war, Dad ends up shooing the kids from the kitchen and does the dishes himself.
Finally, after the dishes are through and the children have been nestled all snug in their beds with their favorite new toys, Dad gets to settle down in front of the TV to catch up on all of the games that he missed during the hubbub that is Christmas day. When the scores are all in and he has finally placed his hand, dutifully, down the front of his pants, he gets to enjoy the true spirit of Christmas - watching the news reports of the battles that had been waged in the malls.
It is at this point that Dad, finally, realizes the true spirit of Christmas - bludgeoning another shopper for cutting in line or reaching for the same item while shopping and getting carted off in a police car bearing the flashing red, white and blue lights of Christmas.
