A Bathroom Sojourn Yields Dividends
As I was heading to the water closet, the other day, to float a log, it dawned on me just how differently men and women are as regards important bodily functions.
And, as I sat in contemplation, I began feel badly for women that they failed to be able to enjoy the simplest and most necessary of things that are part of the human condition. Furthermore, I felt badly that their lives were so hampered by that misguided sense of propriety that condemns them to not enjoying the simple enjoyments in life. So, I decided to compile a small list of things that women will never enjoy in that way that nature intended.
1. A Recon Fart: Swift, Silent, Deadly - Women will never understand the joys of letting a silent bomb lose in a room and then watching as her friends turn green at the putrid stench of this silent killer. Men love watching friends suffer.
2. A well-hidden sandwich at a friend's house or apartment that slowly fills
the room with the smell of rotting meat. Men love rotten pranks like that.
3. An Under Cover Fart - Holding your girl under the covers to suffer through
the undying stench of a loud and death scented fart. Men find this hilarious.
4. Projectile Burping - A silent chili and stomach acid scented belch, held
carefully in the cavity of the mouth until it can be blown, casually at an
unsuspecting friend. Men can never get enough of bad smelling pranks.
5. A Friends Pain - For example, when a friend breaks an arm and is in severe
pain, you constantly make him flinch, causing him even more pain. That's the
only thing better than stench warfare.
6. Severe Football Injuries - No matter how we cringe at watching Joe Theisman
get his leg shattered by Lawrence Taylor, we will watch it, time and time
again, moaning in sympathy. Men will never turn their heads the way women
will.
7. B-Movies - Men will watch any movie that is filled with gratuitous sex
and nudity. If chick flicks had T&A men would take their women to those
movies without hesitation. T&A makes everything seem better for a man
while women frown upon it.
8. Self Abuse - Men have no compunction against talking about masturbation
in front of their friends. Fistina and Rosie are common topics amongst men
and will be talked about with gleeful laughter at any given time on any given
day.
9. Nudie Magazines - We wouldn't buy most of the magazines if they didn't
have articles and we wouldn't buy the magazine if it had no pictures. Women
just don't want us to have them - they hate when we enjoy other women.
10. Talking Trash - Women don't talk trash unless they are lesbians. And,
when they do someone's feelings are bound to get hurt and friendships are
ruined. No guy gets his feelings hurt while talking trash unless he is secretly
a cross dressing candy ass with feel good hippies for parents.
Viva la difference - or something like that.
