Days of Uncles and proses...

Updated Friday November 3, 2002

My Uncle and Mr McSeagal

My uncle use to get drunk a lot and have conversations with a tiny man named Mr McSeagal. One interesting thing about Mr McSeagal is that he was invisible, too . Still is, as far as I know.

Anyhow, he would chat for hours with Mr McSeagal. We would all make fun of him for talking to the invisible man -Mr McSeagal. We used to rib him pretty good. Man, he would get upset at us for makin fun of him talkin to this Mr McSeagal guy.

One day, he was in his den talking to Mr McSeagal and havin drinks with him, too. Mr McSeagal could sure put down the whiskey for an imaginary friend. Well, I chanced to see all this going on. I started laughing at him and making fun of him. Well, he got pretty damned angry at me pokin fun so he called me on into the den.

I walked into the den and my uncle looked right at me and said, "So you don't believe in Mr McSeagal, do ya?" Of course, I told him that I didn't belive in Mr McSeagal. I told him that Mr McSeagal was a figment of his imagination brought on by heavy drinking and a vivid imagination.

Well, he looked right at me and said, "OK, wise guy. I'm gonna prove to ya that Mr McSeagal is real. He is real as you and me, and I'm gonna show ya. Mr McSeagal is gonna do a little magic trick for ya. Are ya up for it? he asked.

Of course, I laughed. "Alright, I said, prove him real." I said. And, I must say, I was pretty smug about it.

Then, my uncle got a deck of cards and some quarters and set them on the table. He mentioned that Mr McSeagal was a bit hot so he helped Mr McSeagal take his coat off. Then he held it out to me and asked me if I would hold it for him. Well, I reached over and let him set the coat in my hands while I grinned at this silliness.

My uncle got a mischeivious grin on his faced. Then he asked me "Still don't believe in Mr McSeagal?"

"No, I don't" Isaid.

"Then why re ya holdin his coat?" he asked.

Boy, me and Mr McSeagal still get a kick out that day. And he can still hold his whiskey with the best of em.

Tuesday, May 21, 2002

People who make a lot of screen names really get me mad. I mean, dont they have anything better to do with their time?

My uncle is an AOL member and he does it all of the time. I think he is a freak and should be shot. Actually, he was shot once. Well, more than once, but the gun cleaning incident doesnt count. The other time he was shot it wasnt cause of making a new screen name or anything. He was stealing gooseberries from the neighbor down the street. I like gooseberries. We had a gooseberry bush in our back yard. We used to play crocket in the backyard and eat gooseberries til we were sick. We got sick a lot. Course, that was cause of the heavy drinking, most often. I cant blame it all on the gooseberries. Though we did get drunk on goosberry wine once. It was very tasty. And we hardly had to add any kerosene!! Gooseberry wine is very good with a lil kerosene. Its a little sweet for my taste but it does go down smoothly. Dont spit into a fire though after you drink it. My uncle did that and he singed off all of the hair on his head. I had never seen him with no beard or moustache before. Scared the hell out of us. And no eyebrows is just freaky. Which brings me to my point.

Women, dont pluck your eyebrows and draw them back on it makes you look like a freak.

Thursday, May 30, 2002

So, my uncle Harry was havin a bad night. His girlfriend had left him and his mom told him he didn't know his real father. Course he did know his father. He just didn't know that he knew his father. We all knew his father. He didn't know that we knew his father. And we thought we knew his father but who we though was his father wasn't really his father. That was someone else. But we all liked his real father. He was a nice guy. Now, his father didn't know he was his father, either. His mother had neglected to tell his father that his son was his son. Mostly cause the man that everyone thought was his father was huge and had a temper like a crab.
Interestingly, he got crabs from a whore on 47th street. Now, they weren't on 47th street when he got the crabs. They were in a hotel room on main street. We just say on 47th street cause that's where she picks up Johns. Which, incidentally, is my uncles fathers name. Not his real fathers name. His real father is named Bill.
Bill is a race car driver who drives in the pro-am circuit. also, he is a heavy drinker. Which brings me to my point.

Don't drink and drive.

Wednesday, July 24, 2002

My uncle had this job in the local meat packing plant. He was on the dissasembly line workin on his part of the the animal. In nautical terms that would be the aft section of a pig. Anyhow, he was cold and lonely, bein that his wife had kicked him out of the house a few weeks earlier. So he was really horny too. Well, after the thrid shift had ended he was walkin through the plant, just sorta meandering, slowly. Well, as he was walkin through the plant he passed by the bacon processing area where he noticed some posters of bikini models and a few playboy playmates pinned up on the wall. Well, as he was lookin at the posters he started to gettin really randy. His little man was at full attention and he was sorta rubbin it through his pants. As he put it "the lil corporal was got promoted to a 5 star general and was lookin for a rub down at the parlor". Anyhow, he got to pullin his lil feller when he noticed that there was some large parts of meat that they make bacon from just lyin there and starin at him. Well, seein as he had no lotion for the motion and he didn't much feel like spittin on his hand and shakin, he cut a hole in a piece of the bacon got to doin his lil dirty, yet manly, deed. Well, he was strokin it pretty good, and feelin pretty good. He said that the bacon was slicker n any gal he'd had the pleasure of stickin. Well, he got his knot workin til the prime moment when all of a sudden his feet come out from under him. He fell back into the meat he was next to and splattered his mess all over. Well, it was at that point that the bell for the first shift sounded and all the workers come a shufflin in. Well, he tucked his hangy down parts, mat and all, into his trousers and buttoned em up all quick like and run on out to the car. When he got home he still had a big ol swelling in his pants. Seems the hole was a bit tight on account of it shrinking in the heat of his pants and all.

Well, when I saw him he was walkin all ginger like. As he told me "I never did cut me a strip o bacon so dang careful like". His pecker is okay, though. And, as he told me, the scar tissue what formed on his pecker gives it a ridge that his wife likes jest fine.

Anyhow, to make a long story short, don't eat Farmer John bacon.

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

Me and my uncle used to go out fishin a lot. Me 'n' him used to go out to this old lake they called Devils Kitchen Lake. We would take his little jon boat out long about 5 in the mornin' and we would fish all day long.

Well, one day we was out fishin'. We was talkin all 'bout the big fish that we had caught over all our years fishin. Bein that he is about 40 years older than me he had the point lariat of fishin stories. He really told some good uns. Well, anyhow, we was out fishin tellin stories, cussin' and drinkin' and cussin' some more...jest havin' a good lod time. We really was.

Now, me and him didn't much care what we caught or how we caught it. We jest wanted to have a good time gittin' out lines wet and our skin fried. Talk about fun. Well, we was usin all sorts of stuff for bait. We had night crawlers, meal worms, stink bait, leaches, roaches and all sorts of other ugly critters that fish jest loves to eat.

Seems it was jest about noon when my uncle and I fell asleep sittin in that boat. Well, I done come to first and seen that he was sleepin with the cup of leeches sittin in his hand on his lap. I hollered at him to pass them leaches to me so I could bait my hook and try to catch me somethin with 'em, seein how nothin else had worked that day. Well, when he handed me the cup they wasn't nuthin in it at all. So, I hollered at him for usin all them leeches. Now, he told me that he didn't use but a couple of 'em and to quit my bitchin seein as he didn't have no idea as to what happened to all them leeches.

Well, seems like only a couple minutes went by when he had to rearrange his important man parts. That's when all hell broke loose. Ya see, when he reached down into his shorts to rearrange the goods he found out where all them leeches had gone. Well, he stood up real quick like and unsnapped his shorts and pulled em down to reveal the ugliest sight I never did wanna see!! And I will tell you that a mans hangy down parts all covered with blood suckin leeches is not the sort of thing that any man should see!

Well, he let out a hell of a beller. He started jumpin up and down and tryin to scrape them leeches off of his man sack as fast as he could. And as one would fall off he would stomp it as fast he he could get his foot down on it. Meanwhile, I'm tryin to get him to stop jumpin up and down and all seein as how we was on a boat. And, 'course, he weren't listenin' to me none. He jest kept a jumpin and whoopin and hollerin and stompin til he went ass over tea kettle and right on into the water.

Now, you woulda thought that he woulda come to his sense but he didn't I guess the sight of them little suckers on his pecker done rendered him insane for a time. Well, he was hollerin and flailin in the water and tryin not to drown while gettin them leeches offa him. He was a sight!! Eventually, he managed to pull hiself onto the nearby shore. Now, he was lyin there, half way on shore, pantin' like a virgin on her first day with the football team and tryin to catch his breath - naked from the waist down. Not a pretty sight, mind you.

Now, i don't know if many people know a lot about cat fish. But catfish have a tendancy to hide in holes and debri and stuff along the shore and come out every now and again when they see somethin that looks like food. Well, I saw my uncles face light up and his eys get wide of a sudden. Seems a cat fish had found a worm that weren't a worm. It was my uncle! He leapt up a screamin and hollerin bloody murder! Blood was streamin down his leg his pecker was ten shades of ugly red. Yessir, that was not a pretty sight. It seems that when he jumped up that catfish, havin' hold of his johnson didn't let go...the doctor said that it took a couple layers of skin right off his little feller and scraped a couple of grooves in him. I will tell you that I had the grumpiest uncle for bout 6 weeks.

Well, to make a long story short, my uncle can't stand the sight of catfish - gets the shakes at the mention of 'em. And, we never, ever, ever fish with leeches.

Sunday, November 3, 2001

They're was a time, a few years agone, when my uncle had this job at a fertilizer factory. He got promoted through the company pretty quick like on account of the fact that he really knew his shit. I mean, he was good!

Now, at the factory where they produce the fertilizer they have lots of buildings that are used for various stages of the processing. All the buildings have a number and they give the formans control of certain buildings in successive numbers. My uncle was in charge of processing building numbers 1 through 9. And bein that those was the most important buildings at the plant, he walked tall. In fact, when he got the promotion he beamed like a pig in shit, so to speak.

Well, long about his 4th year on the job old no.2 went dark. All the power went off, the fans shut down and the automatic locks wouldn't work. Well, my uncle, bein the forman and all, went out to investigate old no.2 to see if he could figure out what was wrong. Anyhow, he got in there and went all through it. He looked it up and down and inside and out. Everything looked like it should work but it wasn't working. And, frankly, with all that shit in there I don't know how he could walk through that building without gagging. The boys at the plant were always amazed at his ability to with stand the scent of all that composting shit - he said that he had lived with my aunts cookin for 25 years, so that scent weren't nuthin.Now, I don't know what most people know about composting shit, but it builds up gas mighty fast. That's why they have lots of fans and ventilation in those buildings. Just bein able to breathe that stuff without passing out is pretty near a miracle.

Well, anyhow, just as he was leavin the building he decided that he needed a smoke. Now, he told me that as he was lighting up his lighter he had a thought go through his head that maybe it wasn't a good idea. And, he said that he would definately not do something like that again.

They found him, lying on his back. A partially burnt cigarette filter was stuck in his mouth. He was barely concious and all his hair was burned clean off. His clothes was mostly gone and he was mumbling something about shit hittin the fan and "why won't someone answer that damned phone?"

Well, to make a long story short, his hair grew back fine...except for his eyebrows. But, the smell of manure makes his hair fall out in bunches. And that's the reason he has an astro turf lawn.

Friday November 8, 2002

Here on a few years back my uncle had a minor problem with kidney stones.

Well, one night he was at his local Stuckys havin dinner. He always said somethin 'bout the waitress bein' easy, which was particularly odd since he was impotent. Anyhow, he was at his table havin some dinner when all of a sudden he let out a beller. I mean he screamed like someone was killin' him! Sounded like a little girl on prom night gettin her cherry popped. He really has a high pitched scream. Well, he got into the bathroom as fast as he could and dropped trow. After about 15 minutes of cryin and whinin' and hollerin' and screamin' "my dicks on fire my dicks on fire" he come outa there white as a ghost cryin and moaning and told us that he had to go to the hospital.

Oh, he had a hard on too, when he come outa that bathroom.

Well, we got him to the hospital where the doctor told us that he had kidney stones. And the reason that he had a hard on was on account of the fact that he had a particularly large and oddly shaped stone that had lodged in his piss tube. Seems that it was cuttin' off circulation in his pecker. It seems blood could flow in but it had trouble flowin out.

Well, they had to stick a tube in his pecker with a laser on it. Anyhow, they did their star trek thing to his...well...thing Just zapped that stone good so it could just sort of go with the flow, so to speak. He said that it nearly set his yule log on fire.

Anyhow, they broke up the stone with that laser real good like but they, also, seemed to have burned a part of his urethra a little bit. So, he still has limited blood flow out of his pecker. And I will tell you that I aint never seen my aunt so happy in all her life, not to mention tired.

By the way, don't ever bend over in front of him.

More to come...

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