Sunday, April 28, 2002

Sometimes I get irritated by stuff. Not the stuff that irritates everyone else. It's the other stuff that bothers me. That stuff can be really annoying and it makes me want to do things to people. Sometimes, when stuff bugs me and I wanna do things to people I have to go and let off steam by doing other things that wear me out so I don't do things to people. Cause when you do things to people you sometimes go to jail. Then, other people who got pissed at stuff and did things to people get to do stuff to you that don't feel to good. That stuff is really bad. So remember, when you do stuff cause yer mad at things...no wait...when you do things cause you are mad at stuff. You have to pay the consequences. And thats the truth.

Sunday, May 05, 2002

Something awful happened to someone the other day. I overheard someone saying that it happened for a reason. They did not know the reason, only that it happened for a reason. I hear that a lot. Everything happens for a reason.

Now, if everythin happens for a reason what is that reason? Why don't we know the reason it happened for? Is there a reason we don't know? And if so, whats the reason for that?

What if there really is no reason for things to happen? Is there a reason that there is no reason? And then, what's the reason for that?

Reasonably speaking, there is no reason for things to happen. They just happen randomly, for some reason. I wonder what that reason could be.

Now, if things happen for a reason but some things are random, how will we know what things happened for a reason and which things happened randomly? But, more importantly, is is reasonable that we should know if there really is a reason or not?

Why the heck am I writing this? Is there a reason or is this one of those random acts of unreasoned reason which have no reason for being reasonable since the ultimate goal is something unreasonable? And finally...was that a run on sentence?

Please be reasonable and let me know.

Wednesday, May 08, 2002

Do you think that all those decals on cars that read "We remember" or "We Will Never Forget" are as stupid as I think that they are? Whenever I see them I always think "DUH!" Bet those people don't vote.

And what's with this so called "War on Terrorism"? If we are having a war why isn't it a declared act of war by congress? And why do we keep telling Israel to cut it out with the Palestinians? They should wipe 'em out. For that matter, we should wipe out all of those Arab countries. We know that they want to erradicate the world of anyone not a Muslim. If you don't believe that you gotta have yer head in the sand.

So, lets remember our fallen countrymen in the correct way. Not with a flag, not with a decal, not with a slogan. Lets erradicate a worldly ring of terror. Lets make a new America. Lets make El al America.

Remember Tobruk!!

Thursday, May 09, 2002

So...I was recently berating a vegan for her cooking. She said her food was healthy and that mine was not. She said that I will die from being overweight and having high cholesterol and the fact that I smoke a pipe will leave me dead of lung cancer if I don't die from my diet. Now, I am 6'4" and weigh about 210. About 2 years ago I had a physical for an insurance policy. I was a few pounds lighter then and I smoked ( a pipe)a little heavier than I do now.

Turns out my cholesterol was well within healthy ranges and my blood pressure was a bit low. They found no nicotine in my system and I was told that I was a little light for my height.

Most of my relatives are from the midwest and they have a diet of hillbilly fixins. You know, bisquits and gravy at breakfast. Lots of butter and lots of greasy fried stuff (man, I love that stuff). My grandmothers are both still alive and kicking. One is 90 and the other is 88 or so. Both of my grandfathers are dead, but one was died from a Navy accident and the other was 60 something when he died after breaking his hip (he didn't drink milk he drank whiskey) and getting pnemonia. Most of my aunts and uncles have lived into their 70s and 80s and are still alive.

The point to all of this is one thing. Vegans, you will die when you die and your food sucks. You have no friends who will come to your house for dinner nor will they invite you over for dinner cause you are a pain in the ass. No one likes vegans. Veganism is unatural. If we were meant to be vegans we would have teeth made for chewing grains and plants only. Instead we have teeth made for grinding plants and chewing meat.

We are omnivores by design. Mother nature or God (not GM)has designed us as one of the most adaptable creatures on the planet. Our ability to survive on both plants and animals has aided in our success as an animal. Onmivores are the most successful groups on the planet. Not carnivores and not herbivores. Omnivores. from the smallest of animals (not bacteria, animals) to the largest of animals. The most successful groups of animals are omnivorous (don't argue this point,you will be wrong).

Now, grill me a steak - rare!

Monday, May 13, 2002

I was going through some stuff in my wallet the other day. I pulled out several receipts that I had saved for reasons unremembered. I pulled out several expired "one free donut" coupons and some other stuff that was not really recognizable. I remembered that when I saved some of this stuff that I had a reason for saving it. While tryin to remember why I saved this stuff I came upon some more stuff that used to be something yellow with blue writing. I remembered that there was some stuff in my wallet that I might want to keep but I could not remember what stuff I wanted to keep. So, I put all my stuff back into my wallet cause I don't want to need some of that stuff and not have it handy.

My wallet is rather fat now. And, I really should throw some of that stuff out. But I can't bring myself to through any of it out. What if i need that stuff later?

Wednesday, May 22, 2002

Does anyone remember Tobruk? It's the stuff that no one remembers that bugs me. Some stuff was meant to be forgotten. Like threes Company. Who really wants to remember that show? And, what about how Richard Nixon resigned in disgrace? Remember that? What about how Clinton just smiled and practically dared congress to impeach him? Do you remember how we used to expect better leaders? Remember back in the good old closed minded days? Looking back that stuff makes way more sense than the stuff going on today. The stuff that happens today doesn't mean anything to anyone anymore. This stuff just gets smiled at and reacted to as if it were meant to be. Do you remember the Americans? Do you remember being able to thumb a ride? Do you remember how stealing a horse resulted in being hanged? Now, you can kill someone and get 5 years. Do you remember the victims of the Manson gang? Do you remember that Helter Skelter was a shitty assed song? Do you remember how truth used to be more important than sensitivety? Can you see this leading to my next rant?

Sensitivety kills - It's worse than speed.

Sunday, June 02, 2002

I had turkey at a friends house recently. Of course, they had stuffing. I asked what stuffing was, exactly. They gave me a recipe that indicated that it was mostly bread with seasoning. It didn't look like bread. It didn't taste like bread. It tasted like peppery, soggy, goo.

As you may have guessed, I am not a stuffing lover. In fact, I never eat that crap. I only tasted it out of politeness. And, as usually happens when I am polite, I was punished heartily by this foul tasting menagerie of nastiness. In my humble opinion, this, so called, food should be used to repell wayward animals. It should be used to calk your tub and to insulate your attics.

Frankly, I do not really think that the recipe is real. If you look at stuffing it has no resemblance to food whatsoever. Who knows what is really in that stuff? It's probably shit. Or nuclear waste.

Whatever it is...if you have me over for a meal and you serve stuffing...expect me to hurl. And, by the way, I will direct my vomitting upon your
person. It's the least I can do for you for serving such a vile repast.

Friday, June 07, 2002

Whenever I take off my socks I have stuff between my toes. It doesn't matter that I showered before putting on the socks. It doesn't matter that the socks were clean when I put them on, either. Sadly, no matter what stuff I try, I always have stuff between my toes. This stuff wouldn't bother me so much, except that I can have socks on for only a few minutes - take off the socks - stuff between my toes. That stuff is always there.

Then, there is that stuff that gets in my navel. How does that stuff get there? I don't wear socks on my belly. I clean it every day when I get out of the shower. I can clean it daily and find stuff in it every day. What's with that stuff? Once, I put tape over it to keep the stuff out. When I pulled the tape off - stuff.

I am doing a study on this stuff...I am tryin to get federal funding. I expect that I shall have my stuff funding very soon - they fund anything. I will let you know what stuff I find out as soon as I can.

Thursday, July 11, 2002

Someone told me that I was "touched" the other day. I told him that I have been touched, often. He said "no, I mean you are touched." To which I replied "yer a freak man, course I have been touched." I told him that I even touch myself once in awhile just for fun. Then I told him that he should not concern himself with my getting touched and what business was it of his to point it out? Sides, everyone does it.

Then, from out of the blue he said "man, you're whacked." And I said to him to leave my personal habits out of it and to just be glad that I wash my hands afterwards. Well, he just gave me a funny look and said "man, why you trippin?" and I said "Hey...dipshit, I aint even walking, I'm just standing here....how can I trip when I aint even walkin?" He just laughed and said "man, that's fat." So I smacked him and told him to stop lookin at or talkin about my pecker. He said, "man, what the hell was that for?" and I said that it was for lookin at my fat pecker. And he said "no, man, I said you was fat...spelled P H A T." So I got out my dictionary and showed him that there is no shuch word as phat. Then I called him a dumb ass and went home.

Thursday, July 25, 2002

Why is the word "ether" spelled so similarly to either? They sound similarly so why aren't they spelled the same? When they were making up the words was it a case of "ether or?" or "either or?" Ether way, this stuff is the stuff that makes the stuff of life worth pondering. Or maybe
not. If not then I am wasting my time in pondering this stuff. If it is worth pondering then I am a genius! Thats the kind of stuff i dig. Metaphorically speaking, of course. Have you ever heard a metaphor speak? They do, you know. Well, metaphorically speaking, of course, again. Metaphors can't actually speak - no vocal chords...even metaphorically. Ironic, eh? And they say that the loudest words are those spoken quietly. Who ever said that didn't have kids, or have a relationship with anyone. That jackass must have lived alone. In the woods, with too much free time and not enough brains.

Well, I'm off. I must go on my unending search to find the perfectly ironic metaphor. They say it will be like finding a needle in a haystack, which I have done, ironically.

Now where is that perfectly ironic metaphor?

Sunday, October 13, 2002

So, Andy Rooney said that he didn't like women broadcasting at football games. He said that they had no business broadcasting football. Many people are up in arms about this and making fun of him. He has gotten so much negative press over his statement that you would think he murdered someone.

To all of those people who have such a problem with his statement…stick it up your ass. First off, he is a man watching a sport (football) that is run by men, played by men, officiated by men and watched, mostly, by men. All of the advertising for football is oriented towards men. And, frankly, most women sports broadcasters suck ass.

Also, it is his opinion and he has a right to it. Furthermore, he has a right to express it. If you don't like his opinion you are probably a woman or one of those feel good left wing semi-men who cries at chick flicks.

Frankly, I don't care for women sports casters, in general. The women sportscasters that know the sport look and sound like lesbians and the ones who look like women sound canned and stupid. Also, women look better handing me a beer than telling me the score.

So, women, if ya want to have anything to do with sports, get a short skirt and some pompoms and show me your cheer and some cleavage. Otherwise, stay the hell out of the sports broadcasting arena and keep your opinions to yourself.

It's a guys sports world. You only get us beer.

Friday, November 22, 2002

What kinda stuff is going through the minds of these chicks who want to get membership into that golf course in Georgia? First off, golf sucks ass. Talk about a dull old fart sport!! Second of all, why the hell do they want to make an all mens club go co-ed? Are they stupid? They must be. They are calling the men only policy discrimination. Now, do they want men in womens gyms? Do they want boys in the girl scouts? Do they want men to invade their all women groups? I doubt it. Do they want to use the same piss rooms as men?

Wait...I think I get it. They want to make as many men as bitter and unhappy as they are. It's obvious that they are mean and bitter women with too much time on their hands 'cause they aren't getting laid. They must want company. That is the only explanation that makes sense.

This kind of stuff really pisses me off. Get a life!

Wednesday, Dec 18, 2002

Some stuff just bugs the heck out of me. Not all stuff, just some stuff. Like, for instance, I was talking to a guy called “Dick” the other day. Now, Dicks real name is Richard. But they call him Dick for short. How in the hell do you get Dick out of Richard? Ok, I know how his wife gets dick out of him. But, really, Richard isn’t even close to the word Dick. Call him Rich for short. Even Rick or Ricky. But callin’ someone Dick is just plain mean.