The songs on this web page suck ass!

Updated 07/19/03 Click here to be transported to it - magically

"HORSE WITH NO NAME" gets the Stupid Song of Forever award...

Why the fuck would anyone want to listen to this piece of shit? This song has what, four chords? And most of them are in the chorus. The main parts of the song have 2 fucking repetitive notes. My daughter could write a more imaginative tune than these guys wrote.

But, beyond the dull assed tune has some of the stupidest fucking lyrics you will ever hear in any song. Now, lets dissect this dumb fuck song. The first verse has a line that reads, "On the first part of the journey I was looking at all the life there were plants and birds and rocks and things ". First of all, rocks aren't life. Rocks are things. And "things" aren't life…things are things you dumb ass! So he was not only stupid he was redundant.
The following line reads, "There was sand and hills and rings". What the fuck are rings? Is that just a word that this dumb ass threw in because he needed a rhyme? Maybe the rings were coming from smoke as it exited his drug-riddled head. Next, he has the nerve to tell us "the heat was hot". Well, big, fucking DUH! Heat being hot is such a shocker!! It's heat you moron…it's hot!

Fortunately he eases off of his incredible stupidity in the second verse. However, the third verse is amazingly idiotic. Once again, he uses the stupid "rings" line to rhyme with "things" because he hasn't got the brains to use something new. Anyhow, he goes on to state the "the ocean is a desert with it's life underground and the perfect disguise above". OK, first of all an ocean is water. By that very fact it is not a desert. It's a big fucking lake that takes up three quarters of the earth. Its life is not underground it's under water. That's what happens in an ocean. It has fish in it…under water! Duh, you fucking twit! And, its not disguised as anything. Its water…its an ocean…its disguised as an ocean you drug addicted fuck head! The verse closes with the line "under the cities lies a heart made of gold but the humans will give no love". Um…what? Again, he, obviously, needed a word to rhyme with "a perfect disguise above".

Now, for all of you twits who think that this song is wonderful and filled with imagery and metaphors and other poetic endeavors…you are wrong. This song is filled with a load of shit that makes no sense. It has an unimaginative melody and some of the shittiest lyrics I have ever heard!

Now, pull your heads out of your collective asses and go listen to some Dylan. Hell, even Britney Spears has better shit than this asshole has. Go listen to her you dumb fucks.

Don't agree? You are wrong. Also, you are probably an asshole.

Updated 1/5/03

The Tin Man...Someone shoot the songwriter!

You would figure that a band would only go so far with stupidity. However, America decided that they wanted to really give idiocy a try. So, they wrote "Tin Man".

Now, I will give them a little credit…"Tin Man" does have more chords than "Horse with no Name"…though not many. On the other hand it is not just stupidity it is repetitive stupidity.

Now, I will say that the first verse starts out rather interestingly. The line reads:
"Sometimes late when things are real; And people share the gift of gab between themselves; Some are quick to take the bait; And catch the perfect prize that waits among the shelves." Now, that's not too bad as lyrics go. Sort of interesting, really.

However, it completely falls apart after that verse. It not only gets away from anything interesting it makes no sense! The chorus is as follows:
"But Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man; That he didn't, didn't already have; And Cause never was the reason for the evening; Or the tropic of Sir Galahad." OK, the line about the Tin Man wasn't bad but what the hell is the tropic of Sir Galahad? Were they suffering for a rhyme and looking for a way to put some lipstick on this pig? There is no such tropic. There never has been such a tropic and there never will be. That is just a stupid line. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Now the next verse…what the fuck was that about? Who the fuck smacked this boy upside the head and made him completely retarded? The Next verses first line is "So please, believe in me." Um, why? Because of the nonsense you just sang the previous line? Fuck off ya moron…the only thing I believe in you to do is write dumb mother fucking song lyrics. Unfortunately this guy wasn't satisfied but making no sense so he continues to make even less sense. The rest of the verse is as follows:
"When I say I'm spinning round, round, round, round; Smoke glass stain bright color; Image going down, down, down, down; Soapsuds green like bubbles." What the fuck is this? Is it metaphoric? No. Is it imagery? If you're doing the dishes it is. Is it stupid? Definitely.

Amazingly, proving how stupid he is once didn't satisfy this guy. He had to prove it to us all by repeating the chorus and the second verse. So, not only did he make no sense but he didn't have the imagination to come up with a new set of stupidity for a third verse. I swear this guy has an amazing knack for taking idiocy to new heights!

Someone shoot the next DJ who plays this stupid assed song. While you're at it…shoot the next dumb mother fucker who plays this song on the jukebox.

The Tin Man sucks!

Updated 01/13/03

Keep on rockin this guys head til it snaps off...

Seriously, the next fucker who plays "Rockin Me' within my earshot is gonna get a knife in their throat. "Rockin Me" sucks ass. Yeah, I know that some of you pukes may disagree but you are stupid fucking assholes who wouldn't know a good lyric if it stabbed you in the eyes.

First off…he repeats the same fucking verse 2 or 3 times in this god awful song. So, as if it's not bad enough listening to his weak assed voice sing about trying to get a job once…we get to listen to him do it a few times. Such imagination, Steve…run out of words? Need a fucking dictionary?

Now…not only do the verses repeat stupidity but the chorus is incredibly stupid. He went "from Phoenix Arizona all the way to Tacoma, Philadelphia, Atlanta, LA….Northern California where the girls are warm, just to be with my sweet baby, yeah" News flash, ya fucking dweeb…If yer in Phoenix and ya need to get to northern California you don't need to go all those places. Unless you're looking for a rhyme and you have no real skills as a songwriter. Oh, yeah, that explains it…you have no skills as a song writer you Abra Cadabra singing fat fuck!

"Rockin Me" sucks ass and so do you if you like that song!

Updated 04/23/03

I smell boredom and stale candy…er…I smell Sex and Candy…

Who’s fucking plan was it to write this one note piece of shit? This has to be one of those songs that sucks ass on par with “Horse With no Name”. This whole song is sung on one note except for the chorus. Did they steal that idea from America? Actually, it seems like they stole America’s brain when they wrote this song. Not only is it dull, it’s repetitive and stupid. Sounds like “Horse With No Name” part II to me.

The author of this song actually uses the line “And then there she was - Like double cherry pie - Yeah there she was - Like disco superfly”. What the fuck does that mean? Was she in a stove? Did she have a flaky crust? Did she have a juicy red filling? If so, what the fuck do ya call that disease?

Now, if that shitty simile wasn’t bad enough he said she was like “disco superfly”. First of all…disco still sucks ass! And superfly? Was she eating shit and wearing a cape? Did he really think that that was clever? Newsflash, asshole…it’s not clever, it’s stupid.

OK, at least the chorus is a little better, though not much. In fact, the only reason that the chorus sounds better is that it actually has a few more notes in it. It’s like this idiot learned 4 chords and didn’t want to waste them on the verses…he wanted to surprise us all by putting 3 chords in the chorus. Well, he succeeded. Surprise, a new chord in this, otherwise dull one chord, song.

The second verse reverts back to the same nauseating note and has him claiming that he had too much caffeine. Hey, dumb ass, if you had any caffeine you wouldn’t be writing such a depressingly stupid and dull song. Caffeine might have brought some life into this song.

Then he claims that this chick was like “disco lemonade”. Um…ya didn’t wanna use superfly again? Run out of shit for her to eat? Did she tear off her cape? And just what the fuck is disco lemonade? Tell me, mister one chord! What the fuck is disco lemonade? Is that some psuedo-clever beverage ya made up?

Ok, this song sucks. But you know who sucks even more? The people who bought the album and got this song in the top 40 radio programs. Yeah, you people are such assholes! Go enjoy yer shit and candy and get off of my web site. You don’t deserve to read this ‘cause you suck!

Updated 07/19/03

Every rap "song sucks ass!!

Rap - it's been called the first black American music form, despite the fact that musicians have been "rapping" since the days when music was young. Frankly, if I were black I would be pissed at being associated with this crap. And it is crap.

Now, I have echoed this sentiment to a lot of people. They tell me that a lot of people like rap, so it must have some merit. Well, a lot of people like eating shit, too. That doesn't change the fact that it's still shit.

Anyhow, after a careful study of the genre, I have come up with the 10 basic elements that make a successful rapper. So, without further adieu, here they are:

· Possess no musical talent whatsoever. None - if you have musical talent you won't make it. Ask anyone - it can't be done.
· Use copious amounts of mind-altering substances. You will need to be wasted to put up with the noise that you are going to make.
· Steal a rhyming dictionary, an old turntable, a programmable synthesizer, an amplifier and some speakers. Remember, it's important to steal to keep it real.
· Get a group of your lowlife friends together and call them you "posse".Make certain that one of your lowlife friends can program the synthesizer so you can find the right drumbeat to rap to. If your friends are too stupid to program it you will need to call the manufacturer and have him send out the directions.
· Steal a tune from some hit record and use it for your "hook". If the musician you stole it from gets pissed at you for using it claim he is a racist (Uncle Tom if he is black). The press will be all over him and he will relent 'cause he doesn't want to look bad.
· Find words that rhyme (in your dictionary, if you can read) and try to remember them in your rap "songs". In between the rhyming words make certain to throw in words like "ho" and "pimp" and "muthafucka" and other pleasantries. It helps to talk about killing and pimping, too.
· Make certain to let everyone know that your command of the English language sucks like a two dollar whore. Yes, I mean your mother - er…ya mutha. No one likes an educated rapper - it means that you "sold out".
· Make certain that every three words that you "sing" are yelled by your "posse". They don't even have to know what the word is - just yell it. It helps when no one can understand you, anyhow.
· When you speak to the press make certain to say "ya know what I'm sayin'" in between every other word. That makes you sound real - from the "hood".
· Act angry, even though you have nothing to be angry at. Anger sells. You might want to wave a gun around from time to time, as well.

And there you have it - the 10 ways to a successful career as a rap star. Now, I will say that if you were a gang member who killed innocent men, women and children that you have a better chance of being a successful rapper. However, it is not a requirement. After all, Vanilla Ice made it and he wasn't a gang member. In fact, I can't really see him killing a spider, let alone a person.

Word!

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