Shoe Shopping Sucks Ass
The other day I went shopping for shoes. I went to, what seemed like, a hundred stores, trying to find a decent pair of shoes that didn't look like shit and that could be worn in the office and that would double as athletic shoes.
I was astounded at the number of high priced shoes that look like shit. Most of the shoes that I saw were uglier than Leona Helmsly. Many of them had some ugly plastic covering that went over the laces and were adorned with a zipper. I see kids wearing these all of the time, but I had never seen them up close and personal. After seeing them I had to wonder why Michael Jordan would want his name on them. But then, after seeing the ungodly price of the shoes, I realized that it was for shear profit.
A lot of the shoes had Velcro instead of laces. I assume that this is because the kids today are too stupid or lazy to actually learn to tie their shoes.
As I was perusing the shoes in one particular store, some pimply faced vermin in an oversized suit came over to ask if I needed any help. I asked him a simple question and was immediately serenaded with several sentences of nonsense. This kid couldn't complete a sentence without saying "like" and "you know" if his life depended on it. It was at this very moment that I realized that I was talking to a future English professor.
So, I thanked him for his attempt at helping me and vowed not to ask any more questions for fear of an answer that I couldn't follow.
Finally, after several hours of looking for a decent shoe that didn't have Velcro or shiny plastic, I settled on a pair of black and gray Sketchers. This was a tough thing for me as I have a difficult time with wearing anything named "Sketchers". Really, they need to change the name of the shoe brand. I can't think of anything that is more of a detriment to men buying a product than naming it something so pussified as "Sketchers".
Then, as I was sizing the shoes, I overheard a guy talking to someone about a pair of shoes. The guy said that the shoes that he was looking at were "sporty". Of course, when I looked up, I could see that the guy was one of those mama's boys virgins who gets his ass kicked a lot.
He said "sporty". What self respecting guy wants a "sporty" shoe? I know that I don't. I want a pair of shoes that are athletic. I want a pair of shoes that are tough and can withstand the punishment and rigors of full contact football. I want a pair of shoes that are welder tough. Anything, but a "sporty" shoe.
Unfortunately, he was talking about a similar pair of Sketchers. If I chewed gum, I would have swallowed it. Immediately, I replaced my pair of "sporty" Sketchers and began, anew, looking for a pair of manly shoes.
Now, days after my experience shopping for shoes, I have to wonder how women can have so many pairs. Frankly, shoe shopping is almost as painful as jabbing my eye repeatedly with a pen.
Oh, I did find a pair of shoes that were not completely offensive. Sadly, they are those same "sporty" shoes that that dweeb was talking about.
I hate shoe shopping.