The League of Lame Assed Movies
Have you ever seen a movie that just irritated you so much that you won't watch the movie no matter if it's reviews are good or not? You know the sort of movie I'm talking about. The sort of movie whose very idea is so idiotic that the notion of it pisses you off?
Well, for me, "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" is that sort of movie. And, I will never, under any circumstances, watch this movie. Even if I am threatened with death, I will never, knowingly, watch this stupid movie.
Why? Well, I'm glad you asked.
First of all, this movie is based upon a comic book that no one has ever heard of, save for the loneliest of loser comic book collector. And that guy lives in the basement in his dead mothers house. He doesn't know that she is dead yet, because he won't leave his precious pulp magazines. That's how stupid the comic book is.
Now, what makes it so stupid you ask? Well, first of all, the main guy in this league is Allan Quartermain. This character had such a good run that no one remembers him, despite the fact that he is supposed to be the most incredible mercenary adventurer who ever lived.
Well, I remember him. Richard Chaimberlain played the roll of Allan Quartermain in a movie that choked on itself at the box office. By the way, that movie sucked ass in a big cheesy way.
Now, in this movie, some guy gathers a bunch of "extraordinary" people together to save the world. So, who does he pick? He picks Quartermain - not such a bad choice if you go for the comic lore. It's a terrible choice if you want box office success, however.
The next guy that he selects for this league is a spy. Ok, sure, you need a spy if you intend on spying on someone, so that makes sense. But wait!! He gets an invisible man, too. Now, who the hell is going to be a better spy than a guy who you can't see? So, if you have the invisible man, who went insane, by the way, why do you need a spy? And if you have a spy, why do you need an invisible man?
Then, this guy gets Dr Jekyll. Brilliant choice. Lets see, if I need a guy to help me save the world I would certainly choose a mousy chemist who turns into a maniacal killer. Good choice there - lets pick him for the team. Maybe, if we ask, nicely, he will make us all turn into maniacal killers. Didn't he die at the end of that book?
Nemo - just what everyone needs - a guy who died fighting a freakin' squid. Um, other than crashing his submarine into boats and being an incredible megalomaniac what good is a dead submarine commander?
Then, he grabs himself a vampire chick. That's smart. Lets get a chick who sucks blood and kills people for her survival. Hey, lets put her on Nemo's submarine with our group, too. Besides not getting any sleep you have to carry around her freakin coffin with you if you don't want her to go up in smoke her first morning out. Anyone wanna neck?
Finally, we get to Dorian Gray. The promo for the movie describes him as an immortal. However, Dorian Gray was a character created by Oscar Wilde (Not to be confused with the porn actor named Wilde Oscar, you pervert) Dorian Gray had a couple of particularly interesting claims to fame. First, he was so pretty that he was girlish. The chicks of his time really dug him too. On top of that, he had a painting in his attic. The painting changed over time, revealing the ravages of his evil and age, while he did not change. In fact, he never aged or showed any of the evil within. At the end of the book, after stabbing the painting, he was found dead in his attic. Somehow, the fact that he died indicates that he is not immortal, to me. But, as we all know, dead pretty boys with paintings are good for saving the world.
So, to sum up-they get a dead pretty boy, a dead maniacal killer, a dead megolomaniac submarine commander, an insane invisible man, a blood sucking vampire, a spy and a mercenary adventurer, who died at the box office, to save the world. What a brilliant idea!
But, unfortunately, this movie
will probably make tons of money. After all, Sean Connery is in the movie
and the public loves Sean. By the way, I think he got an academy award for
playing the only Russian on a submarine with a Scottish accent. But, that's
a rant for another time.