Horoscope Page

Aquarius

Women: Chances are that you suck beyond belief - I am talking blow jobs. Don't try to deny it. You know you suck like an aardvark . Tonight: You will not spit or pull away or turn your head when he cums. You will take it like a good girl.

Men: Your whorebag girlfriend is out banging the football team so you will be spending the night watching porn and jerking off. Tomorrow: Your pecker rejects you.

Pisces

Women: Jerry Springer is calling you. No one trusts you or likes you. Your twat smells of rotten bananas - I am not gonna ask. Tomorrow: I see the free clinic on your agenda.

Men: Your girlfriend is banging your best friend. Condoms will not be useful since you are not likely to get laid this decade. Tomorrow: Learn how to wipe off the pages.

Aries

Women: You are far too wrapped up in your looks to notice the truth about yourself. You are a waste of breath. Tomorrow: Step in front of a moving bus.

Men: No, it doesn't happen to everyone and it isn't OK. And, yes, they are laughing at you. Tonight: Rent "Girls Gone Wild III" for the tenth time this month.

Taurus

Women: You pig headed adulterous slut. Time to "Just Say No" for a change. Put your feet back on the floor and stop acting like you don't like the taste of cum. Tomorrow: Bukkake on you

Men: How low can you go? Sleeping with your best friends mother? She was never that hot and at 52 she aint gettin any better. Tonight: It's bang the old biddy again and then massage her feet, you lucky loser.

Gemini

Women: Who had the bright idea for this sign? This is the worst sign ever. Man you suck. Tonight: Buy something special for yourself since no one else ever will.

Men: My God, you're still reading this tripe after what I just said? You are even more of a loser than the chicks in this sign. Tomorrow: Another trip down loser lane.

Cancer

Women: Just what the sign indicates. You are a cancer to society. A human wart on the ass of life. You should kill yourself. Tomorrow: Another lonely night with your Pong game.

Men: Giving your aquarius girlfriend a facial won't work for you. She will kick your ass, you candy ass piece of shit. Tomorrow: Painting her toe nails and still not getting any sex. What a loser.

Leo

Women: You wish you were a man. It's time to come out of your closet and face facts. You are a clit lickin lesbian. Tomorrow: Eating out

Men: You are the lion of the lair. The king of your castle. Cum on her face and make her beg to take it in the ass -she will cause you're so damned good. Tonight: Ignore her. She isn't worth your time.

Virgo

Women: No one likes pseudo intelectuals. Thus, nobody likes you , you arrogant snobbish cunt. Tonight: Another lonely night that you claim is yours by choice

Men: You are such a pussy. Men born under this sign have no back bone and tiny peckers. Tomorrow: Stay under that rock, for a change, you loser.

Libra

Women: Like the sign indicates, you would make a perfect librarian. Mostly cause you have control issues and no social skills. Tomorrow: Another lonely night with your bic lighter and a scab.

Men: No, it's not just you. You really do have a small pecker. Tomorrow: Penile enlargement...look into it.

Scorpio

Women: Oh, you would like to think that you're popular. But you aren't. And yes, your pussy is fat- not phat, as you claim. Tonight: Another frito night - keep stuffin your face you fat assed bitch.

Men: You think you're cool. But you are a sad genetic mistake that is doomed to die alone in your mother basement with your pecker in hand and your pants around your ankles.

Sagittarius

Women: Forgetting to wipe cum off of your face before you go into work is just not a novel thing anymore. Try some wet ones or something. Tomorrow: A trip down the stairs makes your co-workers cheer.

Men: The cleaning woman is not a solid "score" you one balled loser. And stop smellin yer finger when you pass her by, it's not funny. Tonight: She shoves the mop up your ass and you like it.

Capricorn

Women: You are hot. Too bad you are a lipstick lesbian that hates men and can't admit that you are a dyke. It's time to go wandering in the bush. Tomorrow: Another night of Golden Girls re-runs.

Men: You are born under the most feminine sign in the zodiac. Your confusion over your sexuality is not a surprise since you are a natural she-male who's parents sewed your hole right after your birth. Tonight: You masturbate to a chick flick.