F.U. The real choice for real Americans
Watching the Democrats scramble to find their place on the political landscape has been extremely amusing of late.
Formerly, these geniuses have talked about cutting back on military spending and now they all want to make sure that we understand that they are pro-military. They "understand" that a strong military is necessary for our defense. No kidding? It only took several buildings going down in flames and few thousand people dying to teach them that?
Now, they are also trying to figure out how to get national healthcare for all Americans…it is a right, according to them, after all. Never mind that it's not in the Constitution. And now, they want to put a payroll tax on employers to pay for the national health care system. Not that enough businesses aren't already over taxed.
As your FU party candidate for president I wanted to make a few things clear about my positions regarding taxes and the military.
First, a strong military being integral to our security, I will create a special branch of the military. This branch will consist of religious radicals from the Palestinian territory. They will be known as the "Palestinian Attacking Suicide Squad In Extreme Situations" or PANSIES, for short. This branch of the military will have no training, just bombs strapped to their bodies and a map of where to go. Their first mission will be to visit Jacque Chirac in France in a diplomatic mission.
To increase the accuracy of our servicemen with their rifles Ted Kennedy's empty bottles will be recycled and used by the military for target practice. This should cut down drastically on target costs, too, saving an estimated $10 billion over the course of a year. This savings will be passed on to our servicemen in the form of pay increases.
Next, I will levy a 33% tax on all moneys raised by Congressmen for their campaigns. These taxes will allow for a tax refund to all American citizens to the tune of several thousand dollars per year thereby allowing all citizens to buy into a good healthcare program. Estimates indicate that funds raised by this tax will enable us to buy Mexico and balance the federal budget deficit in 2 years, as well.
A new anti-plagiarism tax will be assessed to all congressmen. Essentially a tax of $100,000 per plagiarized speech will be assessed to any congressman found plagiarizing a speech. Allowing for Joe Biden alone this should raise enough government funds to help pay for a course in ethics for Bill and Hillary Clinton for the rest of their lives.
A new tax of 10% (based on salary) will be assessed on all civilian federal employees who are painfully slow. The statistics from the post office alone indicate an expected revenue enhancement $30 billion annually. These moneys will be used to buy sticks. The sticks will replace the current "thumb-in-ass" technology, allowing the government workers to use their hands and thumbs for more productive purposes.
I thank you for your continued
support as I continually outline my platform in my bid for the presidency
of these United States. And remember to vote FU on election day!