How to Help Really Fat People
The other day, as I was entering a grocery store parking lot, I noticed someone park in a handicapped space. The person who got out of the car was grossly fat. This gal must have weighed 300 pounds or more. Now, my first thought was that she had some sort of disability. However, after further investigation, I discovered that she was just fat and had trouble walking.
So, when I got home I did some research on reasons that people can get handicapped placards for their car so that they can get the choice parking spots. I was very upset when I discovered that one of the "disabilities" that was eligable for these placards was, in fact, being grossly overweight.
Being the caring person that I am I thought that it was an ironic turn for people who are really fat to get the chance to park so close. After all, by giving them these choice parking spots, they are being encouraged to get even fatter. So, I decided to put forth some of my own ideas - better ideas - to help these really, really fat people.
1: Make special parking spots for them that are far from their destination. Fat people need more exercise so that they can burn off some of their excess weight. Frankly, it's cruel to deny them their, much needed, exercise.
2: Make special fat people lines at the bank. Equip each line with a tread mill. This way, their time waiting in line won't be wasted. Of course, each bank would have to be equipped with a special exit for them too - they are going to stink like a dead skunk on a hot June afternoon and they don't want to upset their thin customers.
3: Supermarkets should have special ID's for fat people that only allow them to purchase groceries one day a week. Of course, they would all have to be interlinked so that these fatties don't cheat by going to another store. And, you know that they would cheat.
4: Movie theatres should charge double for everything that fat people buy. They take up more space than most people and it might disuade them from buying snack food. Besides, sugar will make them hyper - and there is nothing worse than a hyper fat person.
5: Make them work at homeless shelters providing food for the homeless. This may give them a sense of what hungry people live like and make them feel guilty for eating so much food when so many others don't get to eat at all.
6: Equip all clothes for fat people with a device that greets them with laughter whenever they put their clothes on.
7: Restaurants should make their fat patrons catch and kill their dinner before cooking it. This will teach them survival skills should supermarkets ever become banned.
6: Every weekend they should be made to attend a Sally Struthers fund raiser for starving kids in Africa. Her crying alone should make them sick to their stomachs and be a deterent for eating.
7: Make them drive in really small cars with bad shocks.
8: Amusement parks should have a special sign on all the rides "Must be this thin to ride".
Hopefully, somebody, somewhere will see these ideas. And, with love in their hearts, implement them so that fat people everywhere will be able to live fuller, healthier lives.