Evolution is a slow process. Sometimes, it is best when we speed it up. Here are some suggestions...

Updated 01/30/03

01/30/03

Out here in sunny southern California, land of high taxes and brown skies we have a little thing that we call "Metrolink". Metrolink is a train. OK, it's several trains that are supposed to ease the traffic burden on our freeways. The only problem is that it doesn't because the stations are located in places that are stupid and they charge an arm and a fucking leg to use the train system. So, everyone uses their cars, instead.

But that's not what I am writing about. What I am writing about is the people who are killed by the train running them over.

Now, I read the paper all of the time. I check out the opinion section so that I know the names of all of the stupid people in my area. The biggest problem with the trains is that people keep getting run over by them. Sometimes the person who gets killed by the train is walking on the tracks but more often than not it is a car or truck that gets hit while sitting on a railroad crossing.

Recently, the opinion section of the paper has had suggestions from people like …make the train louder 'cause people can't hear the train… or …make the crossings a little more obvious… What a bunch of stupid assholes! It's a fucking train. How do you miss hearing or seeing or feeling the vibrations of a huge fucking train? You cant unless you are too stupid for breath.

Now, I didn't come here just to complain. I came here with a solution. Here is my solution to cars and trucks being struck by the train:

At every railroad crossing they need to build a giant trap door. And whenever the train gets close and a vehicle is across the tracks the door opens and drops the vehicle into a large metal compactor. I call it the "Door of Evolution". And think about it…these assholes would be dead anyhow. The only difference is that the train wouldn't get derailed and a bunch of commuters would get home on time. And the report on the news would be: "Some dumb ass was crushed in the Door of Evolution, film at 11.

And as for people walking along the tracks…a special spear car that would run in advance of the train and would spear people on the track as it traveled. It would have a camera mounted on it so that the news could broadcast the spearings on major television. It could be shown on ESPN too. They could call this the "Spear of Evolution" and it could be broadcast on "Wild World of Sports".

Louder trains my ass…make em quieter so we can kill more dumb asses. The world has enough dumb asses, after all.

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