Beef Jerky
It is an odd little treat; dried meat, salted and seasoned, sometimes heavily, sometimes not so heavily and sometimes not at all. Whether seasoned or not, it is highly addictive. We all enjoy it. Some are picky about theirs, though. Some like theirs with a hint of smoke, while others prefer it salty. Still, some prefer it a bit sweet; seasoned with teryaky, perhaps. I don't get it with teriaki or other words I can't spell.
But what is it really? Well, it's a tender piece of golden sirloin; ten ounces or so, dried into a scab that weighs no more than a pack of cigarettes. I don't like cigarettes. They smell bad and make everything and everyone around them smell bad. Yet I enjoy a hint of smoke in my beef jerky. How odd.
When at last we have that moment...that moment to sit back and enjoy a cool drink with a large piece of jerky, we enjoy it to its fullest. When this moment comes, we stretch out our legs and propose deliciousness to our mouths. Our mouth waters at the indecent proposal, just like Robert Redford when he was hot for Demi Moore. Demi Moore is hot. But I digress...
Some of us chew it slowly, enjoying the full taste of the jerky. Some chew it quickly. Others...well, others like to chew it into a mash of saliva and dried beef, sucking the resulting saliva and beef tea from the mash as if it were edible chewing tobacco. Be careful not to get the two confused 'cause you can get really sick if you mess up.
In the end, the jerky is gone. It has passed its temporary home within our mouths to settle within our digestive tract. But it is not lost to us. No, it is far from lost. For it is inevitable that a carbonated beverage was consumed with the jerky. It is this beverage that allows us, and others, to savor the memory of our prized jerky. It does so in fits and bursts, sometimes at the most inopportune time. So, I don't recommend it before a big first date.
When, at long last, the carbonation has subsided within our bellies we are left to wonder if you we it too fast. "Could I have eaten it slower and made it last longer?" you are prone to asking. Yes, you could have taken it slower. You could have partaken of smaller and more delicate sized pieces. You could have chewed slower. It is at this very moment when you realize; your lover...your beef jerky has not left you. She resides, still, within the gaps between your teeth. Your tongue tells you this, as does that uncomfortable pressure between your teeth. Fight though you will, tongue versus meat, you will lose the battle, taking home with you the shameful taste of defeat. It tastes so good, yet it feels so bad.
This is
when you realize one of the world's ultimate truths: There is never a toothpick
around when you need it.
